Thursday, January 20, 2011

Day 23 Update! And, On choosing not to "bolt"...

23 Days until the Photo Shoot!

Boot camp (weights with jump rope circuits) (50 minutes)
Glutes and Leg Burn (25 minutes)
P90X Kenpo

5:30am Pre-workout energy boost ½ cup fresh squeezed OJ, 2 TBSP of Gelatin, ½ cup h2o
8:00am 1/2 frozen banana, 4 strawberries, ¾ cup almond milk, 1 scoop protein powder (18g protein), ½ tsp pure vanilla extract
10:30am 1/2 cup cantaloupe, 9 almonds
1:00pm Green salad with green onion, avocado, grape tomatoes, drizzle of EVOO and red wine vinegar, 1 cup Turkey Chili (with black beans)
3:00pm Banana and 10 almonds
6:00pm 1 cup Mary's Shrimp and Tomatoes w/ some modification (saute green pepper, onion, and minced garlic in 1.5 tbsp of EVOO, add tomatoes, add Sazon packets [2 or to taste, let simmer), Green salad with EVOO and red wine vinegar, 1/2 cup Crystal's Sweet Potato Delight

128 oz h20
3/4 cup almond milk

How I feel today:

It's been a week since I began this 30 day challenge! Wow, time flies when you are having fun! :)

I feel grateful, also, for all of the support and encouragement I have received.

For the past couple of days I have been thinking about how to write about the emotional journey of this period in my life. Though I wrote a blog post on some of the things I have been feeling as of late, I am still turning over in my mind how it feels to be me, Crystal, in this moment. I think the best word to describe how I feel is "uncomfortable." In so many ways, I am so out of my comfort zone. Though I have many friends, I am not used to being this open and having this much accountability.

Recently, I started reading a book Women, Food, and God. This book explores the connections between compulsive eating and spirituality. While the book centers on women and food, the main argument of the book could apply to any person dealing with a compulsion or addiction. The author posits that our addictions and compulsions are a direct reflection of our relationship and belief about ourselves and God. Roth, the author, states people

turn to food
[I posit, any addiction] when they are hungry for something they can't name: a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life. Something deathless, something sacred. But replacing the hunger for divine connection with Double Stuft Oreos [or shopping] is like giving a glass of sand to a person dying of thirst. It creates more thirst, more panic. (32)

Our addiction is really a symptom of a larger desire to connect with God.

Additionally, we use our addictions and compulsions to "bolt" or take us out of the reality of the present moment. We "bolt" because we are afraid to deal with the real issue at hand. For example, sometimes we get stressed or are afraid to be hurt, so we may resort to our addiction. Focusing on the addiction, we think, helps alleviate the stress, but really it just diverts our attention. For me, the idea of "bolting" manifested in two forms: eating out and shopping. My compulsive behavior stemmed from my inability to really trust and believe in the promises of God. Instead of dealing with the very real fears that come with areas of uncertainty in my life, I "bolted"--and as I "bolted" over and over, my waist expanded and so did my closet.

Today, I am learning not to "bolt." I am learning that it's ok to be afraid. I am also reminding myself of how faithful God has been to me. Time and time again, when I didn't know how things were going to work out, God faithfully provided. And, the truth is, I can hear God, now more than ever, saying "how many times do I have to prove to you that I am here, that I won't leave you, and that I have awesome plans for you?" My actions say, "every second of every day." God lovingly responds, "Ok." I am working on not making God work so hard (LOL), knowing that I can face any fear and uncertainty, if instead of "bolting," and running to food or shopping, I turn to God.

From what reality are you bolting? Is there an addiction tied to this behavior? If you allowed yourself to feel whatever emotion you were avoiding or face the possible outcomes, would it really kill you? Or make you stronger? Your choice.

I choose not to "bolt."

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